rock over London. rock on, Chicago.

edit: now with pictures!

I’m late because baseball is announcing to everyone that its players use steroids and HGH. surprise!
ooh, CNN is skipping the baseball bullshit.
hey, no Kucinich. this will be a lot less funny in his absence. 

“question: is it a priority to balance federal budget every year?”
Barack Obama: bullshit, bullshit, one or two years.
Bill Richardson: I am governor, so I have to do it every year. wants line-item veto authority to balance the budget. everyone has to sacrifice. if you want money, senator, then you have to put a note in Bill’s good idea box. he’ll leave it outside his office next to the lollipops.
Joe Biden: coughs. apologizes for coughing. talks about priorities. says military programs too costly. all of his education, health care and environment shit will be paid for by the hunk he’ll cut from defense.
Chris Dodd: he’s like a car salesman. numbers, numbers, grow the economy, end the war. fiscal discipline. must be flexible.
John Edwards: end structural deficiencies in the economy. strengthen middle class. corporate power and greed’s fault. only way to do all of this is to elect John Edwards.
Hillary Clinton: she’ll look at history (husband’s presidency) to save money.

“when are taxes increases necessary or appropriate? and what programs would you increase taxes for?”
Richardson: this is all the wealthy’s fault. the war is expensive. must be fiscally responsible to help comapanies of the future and education.
Edwards: tax policies established by and for wealthy and corporations. eliminate tax breaks. but if you elect John Edwards, he’ll fix it, and strengthen the middle class. it took him longer than 30 seconds to say all of this.
Clinton: talks about the 90s a little more. they were fiscally responsible back then.

moderator asks, “you all are campaigning on lots of new ideas, and you say a pullout from Iraq will take years. how you gonna get the money for your flying rocket cars?”
Biden: I’ll get out of Iraq in one year. and cut the defense budget.
Obama: “did you know that corporations bank on the Cayman islands? I’ll stop that and restore fairness to the tax codes and give money to hardworking Americans.” also, will bring leadership to the White House.

Richardson: “the Iraq war has drained our military.” what about the troops?
Dodd: boo hoo, middle class. what about the 37 million people below the poverty line? I’ll save them, too. Dodd’s been doing it for decads in the Senate.

“hey, yo. how would you change the economic relationship with China?”
Richardson: he’ll be tougher on them. uses examples. will also fix trade deficit. doesn’t say how, but I’m sure he’s got a plan … no, wait, the plan would be that he’d be stronger, and not let them “play around with currencies.”
Dodd: slave labor, currency manipulation, intellectual theft. “it’s obviously important not to get bellicose.” you aren’t going to win Iowa using words like “bellicose,” Senator.

“how do we change entitlements to the future if we’re going to keep promises we make today?”
Clinton: Medicare is vulnerable. HMOs, drugs too expensive. she’s got a healthcare reform plan, calls it a specific name. probably on her website somewhere.
Biden: entitlements will be necessary. HMOs get too much money. blah, blah.
Obama: he’ll save Medicare. to do this, he’d change the way business is done in Washington.
Richardson: 1/3 of healthcare budget goes to bureaucracy.

“free statement rodeo!”
Obama: evokes Dr. King. wants to level with the American people.
Edwards: says America is at stake in this election. is willing to fight in Washington for America. wants America to rise up with him, make country better than they leave it.

“some of our biggest trading partners have stacks of accusations of human rights abuses, how would you, you know, fix that?”
Biden: this is important. we need to be more accountable. human rights should be conditions of trade agreements.
Richardson: human rights is a fundamental, uh, human right. impose trade sanctions on human rights violators.
Dodd: me and Jimmy Carter care about human rights. we need to restore moral authority.
Edwards: “human rights should be central the way america engages with the rest of the world.” the Chinese are sending us dangerous toys.

moderator says, “should NAFTA be scrapped or changed?”
Clinton: changed. Iowans have lost their jobs! “we don’t want to be the trade-patsies of the world!”
Obama: he’d talk to the presidents of Mexico and Canada to get this shit worked out. but seriously, folks: we need to stand for human rights. Guantanamo is an embarrassment.
Dodd: I passed Darfur legislations in the Senate last night!

“free statements from Biden and Richardson, go!” 
Biden: I have leadership experience. also, he’d end the war. he quotes a church hymn, says its time for the American people to stand up. what an asshole.
Richardson: says the Iraq war is the most important, fundamental issue affecting our country. 38 troops died in November! the VA system is fucked! we need to fix this, because Iowa cares about it.

“how would you tackle clean energy, as it’s going to cost all sorts of money.
Biden: we need significant change.
Richardson: I was the energy secretary. it’s a shame about the energy bill that died in the Senate today.
Dodd: seriously, it’s like he’s a car salesman. understands people don’t like taxes, but he suggests a corporate carbon tax.
Clinton: this is important. she has a plan. but beyond that, we need to enlist the American people in a patriotic movement to fix the energy crisis. she will bring the country together and lift the country up to reach for the stars.
Obama: there will be immediate tax increases, but people will figure out that green technology is economically sound. but he’s not telling this to the Sierra Club, he’s going to Detroit and the automakers and told them how it was and how it’s going to be. Obama is a forward thinker.
Edwards: it’s the corporations’ fault. he’ll deal with this “moral crisis.” what about future generations? 

“how would you vote on Harkin’s agricultural reforms?”
Dodd: Iowans know how to farm, and he’s for that. doesn’t answer.
Obama: family farms are getting squeezed out of rural Iowa. he’d stop subsidies to corporate farms. he’d vote for it.
Biden: this system will break itself. Biden will fix the system before it breaks. yes, he’d vote for it.
Clinton: “workin’ like a trojan” was used. what the fuck does that mean? family farmers are becoming an endangered species. she’d save them.

“30 second statements from Clinton and Dodd.”
Clinton: she’ll work hard for change. will end the war, and will get affordable health care for everyone.
Dodd: he’s got a record of achieving, for 26 years. did you know that he was in the Senate? and the Peace Corps. “this isn’t about wealth or celebrities.” fuck you, Clinton and Obama.

“how will you make our schools the best in the world?”
Edwards: more pre-school. also, better nutrition. wants a “national teaching university.” like the Naval Academy, he says. “we need to radically change No Child Left Behind.”
Richardson: full-day kindergarten. scrap No Child Left Behind. rewrite high school curriculum. hire 100,000 math and science teachers. minimum salary for teachers? 40K. not bad, Richardson.

“follow up, Richardson. you’re from New Mexico, which is technically retarded, thanks to its poor education system. explain yourself.”
Richardson: we’re getting better. we have a lot of indians, so cut us some slack on No Child Left Behind.
Obama: we need to get parents re-engaged in instilling a sense of excellence in our children. blames TV and video games.
Dodd: education is the key to everything. we need leadership.
Clinton: has a “holistic” view of education. will bring classroom into the 21st century.
Edwards: says we need to create an infrastructure in America to create an innovative workforce.
moderator cuts Edwards off because she thought he was raising his hand when he wasn’t, and docks him extra time.
Biden: my wife is a teacher, so he knows about education. he can pay for education.

“in light of all of this we’ve been talking about, what could you realistically achieve in your first year as president?”
Obama: would task joint chiefs to start pullout of Iraq. would have AG review all of Bush’s decisions. would save healthcare.
Biden: would hand the joint chiefs “The Biden Plan.” would make it clear to the world that we’re abandoning the Bush policies of bad stuff. also, save children’s health insurance. also, would get pre-school education going. he’s got a plan on that, too.
Richardson: announce an “energy revolution.” pull out of Iraq in a year. would follow the constitution of the United States.
Dodd: makes fun on Richardson’s laundry list. then, he’d change the discourse of this country. it’s too mean! he’d give the constitution back to the American people. not just end the Iraq war, but engage in robust diplomacy. also, get some answers on health care.
Edwards: he can’t believe all of these laundry lists, either. he’d just attack global warming, reform health care and shut down Guantanamo, but none of this will happen unless Americans take back their country. starting in Iowa. by voting for John Edwards.
Clinton: she’d be very busy. she’d review every executive order from Bush. also, would end Bush’s War on Science. also, she wouldn’t wait about fixing the budget.

“hey Clinton. when you were 1st Lady, your healthcare reforms were described as ‘closed and secretive.’ would your presidency be like that?”
Clinton: no. she’s older and wiser. also, her administration would work with Congress, and crack down on lobbyists.

“Biden, are you a racist?”
Biden: I have experience. the reason he got involved in politics was because of the civil rights movement. minorities overwhelmingly vote for Biden in Delaware. everybody who knows Biden knows he’s committed to civil rights and civil liberties. ask anybody. everybody claps for him.
Obama: no, seriously, Biden isn’t a racist. “I will provide some testimony, as they say in church,” for Joe Biden.

“come on, Edwards, come on; how will you accomplish your agenda after calling everyone corrupt in Washington?”
Edwards: we have an epic battle in front of us. it’s not gonna be easy, America. but Edwards has been fighting corporations his entire life, and he’ll keep fighting, and we must win to do things we want to do for America.

“Dodd, after your dad was censured, are you running to restore the Dodd name?”
Dodd: I’m not embarrassed my dad. he worked in the New Deal. he’s motivated by continuing his dad’s good works.

“Richardson, remember Los Alamos? why should we elect you president when you fucked that up so badly as energy secretary?”
Richardson: yeah, he took a shit all over Wen Ho Lee. but he’ll stand behind his record as energy secretary.

“dear, sweet Obama. since you have no foreign policy experience and rely on so many Clinton advisors, why would you be any different than presidents of the past?”
Clinton cackles at him.
Obama: “I’m looking forward to [Clinton] advising me as well.” snap! would stop the politics of fear. long-term security comes from long-term prosperity around the world.

moderator asks, “how would you all address signing statements?”
Clinton: “we need to quit perversion of the constitution.” Bush is bad.
Edwards: “it doesn’t matter what George Bush thinks. he is not king.”

“everybody: New Year’s resolutions?”
Clinton: she has a multi-part resolution. spend time with family, exercise more, do a great job on her campaign. rebuild optimism and confidence of the American people.
Edwards: he’d remember that somewhere in America tonight a child will go to bed hungry. and people will beg in emergency rooms will beg for health care. and someone will lose their job.
Dodd: vote for me!
Richardson: lose some weight. he wishes (a wish, might I add, is not a resolution) that Congress and the White House will resolve their differences. he also wishes that everyone would stay optimistic.
Biden: he resolves to remember where he came from (which is Delaware). he’d remember what it was like when things were really bad.
Obama: he’d remind himself constantly that this is not about him. yesterday, he went and bought a Christmas tree with his girls. somehow, he’d make sure that all of this is worth it.

“what are the lessons from Iowa for the rest of the United States?”
Clinton: thank you, Iowa, it’s been extraordinary, and lots of good food.
Edwards: the Iowa caucus goers see us up close. which is why it’s important. also, Edwards is driven from his gut to help Americans of all shapes, shades and sizes.
Dodd: Iowans are smart. that’s a good thing for America.
Richardson: Iowans like underdogs (Richardson is an underdog). they don’t like the national media and “smartypants” telling you what’s what.
Biden: namedrops a couple of shithole Iowa towns. says that Iowans like him.
Obama: Iowa reflects the core decency of American people. Cat, who is sitting here, says Obama has a huge, “vaginal” mouth.

and, that’s it!