rock over London. rock on, Chicago.

I have been fucking off on the whole blogging thing for a while now. readership may well have fallen into the single digits. that’s bad news! 
so, in the interests of providing me a readymade topic to get the, uh, juices flowing, let’s us go back to the metaphorical well: let’s talk about Sunday afternoon in the greater Las Vegas area with Neil, Pat and mister body hair himself, Mike Smith.

I always began bitching about Las Vegas as soon as I get there. I know it’s some childish shit to do; because what did I think I was going to be doing in Las Vegas, if not walking around and spending a lot of money to get drunk? why bothering getting  indignant about it after you’ve arrived? the right move would to be to shrug, and just go with it. take it as it comes.

well, there’s the right move, and the wrong move, and then there’s something in between. and, as with most choices, the third’s the one you make.
so what I did was I got good and stone drunk, and tried to block out the noise of Las Vegas, the dirty, corporate grandeur as best I could, and took in the sights, such as they are in the dumbest city in the country. and in hindsight, I mostly overcame myself, and lending heavily to the company I had a very good time. this was also due – I’m swinging back around,you see — to Red Rock Canyon.
I had no idea this place existed. a national conservation area, under the direction of the Bureau of Land Management, and about a 30-minute drive from the strip, and it costs all of about $7 to get in.
on Sunday afternoon, after a late evening, we piled into the ol’ rented Toyota Yaris. I was driving. Smith, shotgun, Neil behind me next to Pat, who was was still working on the last night’s choices. we stopped southwest of town to buy Gatorade and get In-N-Out … because what kind of road trip is it until you sample the regional fast food staple (and that reminds me) … and then, after drive-thru lunch we were at the park. all in about 20 minutes. 
once there, I’d normally stop and read every goddamn sign that I came to, and find out all sorts of minutae that would clutter up huge tracts of my suconscious. oh, but not this Sunday. all I needed to know was: you can get out of the car and hike. so that’s what we did.

the old adage — and it’s not either old or an adage, it’s just something I regularly paraphrase about Vegas — goes “you’ll only want to stay in Las Vegas for about 48 hours before you’ll need to wash the stink off.”
this remains true. but, if you factor in a solid few hours spent at a place in Red Rock Canyon, a place that seems so effortless in its ability to overshadow the strip, and to remind you that the west is vast, and red, and really, really easy on the eyes … if you factor it in, Vegas can easily be stretched out by another day. holy shit! this changes the city completely for me.
so we climbed up into the rocks, Mike threw the ol’ bat signal up, and we sat alone in a wind channel for about ten minutes. the clouds were moving fast overhead. the rocks dwarfed us, and climbed straight up. and I managed not to lose my hat.
when we got back to the car, Neil suggested driving music. and Mr. Evans has a good ear. so he played this tune, which I had never heard of, and for about … four minutes? four minutes … everybody shut up. even me. and there were no cities, no jobs, no traffic, no bank accounts to worry about. and that wouldn’t be so bad, I don’t think.

I went to Las Vegas. and because of the profound and emotional connection I shared with Neil, Smith, Pat, and Pat’s suitcase full of beer, I’ll have to collect my thoughts for another week before I really think about putting pen to paper on the subject.

I got a good, six and a half-mile run in today. my leg is cramped up, just a litle bit, so I may forgo a run in the morning. I need to stay on this pace, need to get some miles beneath me now, while it’s still May, if I’m going to be anywhere near ready for the race in five months.
while I was stretching, “Way of the Dragon” came on.
it got me thinking, for reasons that will soon be obvious, about Chuck Norris.

we know much of Chuck Norris, ubiquitous shitty film star. his movies are not gray affairs; you’re rarely unaware of which way the moral compass points. be it a “Missing in Action” movie or an episode of “Walker: Texas Ranger,” “Invasion: USA” or “The Delta Force,”  Norris consistently plays the lodestar of truth, justice, modesty, martial arts violence, and the American way.
and he wears his personal politics on his sleeve, as well: he supported Mike Huckabee in 2008, and writes a weekly column — which is quite conservative, and may be a contributor to any perceived cooling of his cult-icon status.
for a while, Chuck Norris memes were popular online, especially the cascading, neverending list of Norris “facts.” to wit: 

1. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Chuck Norris counted to infinity — twice.
3. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

and so on.
anyway, like I was saying, I was watching “Way of the Dragon.” and here’s a fact that doesn’t get repeated nearly enough: Bruce Lee and Chuck Norris fought in “Way of the Dragon” and Lee beat Norris’ bum-ass to death. it gets extra solid aroud the three-minute mark.

this movie is legit. and god damn, did I hate that brief cultural phenomenon.

it’s been a busy week. and I’ve been giving a big ol’ FU to the blog as of late … 
… and that trend will have to continue. I’m going to spend a dumb weekend in the dumbest city in the country: Las Vegas. oh yes. the last time I went there resulted in this and this and this.
so as this quiet absence continues, let’s all continue to handle the latest news concerning international terrorism with the grace that befits our great nation:

thanks be to my friend Ashley for showing me this wonderful video.

no grief: the coitus track, the political 8-ball, and a socially conservative pro-life voting bloc

my mom sent me a document via email the other day. mom emailing me is an event in itself, but the document was pretty interesting as well: “A History Of Important Events In The Life Of Our Church.” here’s a couple important events:

Sept. 28, 1911

• Our congregation is organized at the home of Kondrat Krenitzky by seven other Orthodox pioneers who came to Gary due to the development of the steel mills along Lake Michigan. Meeting with two priests from Chicago are Peter Romanyak, Michael Frentzko, Vasil Misko, Efrem Shevcik, Vasil Krochta, Kondrat Krenitzky, John Shevtchuk, and Timofey Lescisin. With a resolve to start a church, $263 is collected.
  Since Rev. Jacob Korchinsky, our temporary priest, arrives on the Feast Day of the Protection of the Virgin Mary, it is decided to assume this name for the church.

1917

• The Icon of the Nativity is presented to our church from a group of church members originally from the village of Vereschaky in Russia. The icon is inscribed with the donors names in Russian as follows; Phillip Shavkun, John Shavkun, John Koshubara, Theodore Koshubara, Gregory Matsueff, John Gorbachev, and Terenty Yatskoff.
  This coincides with the period of time when our church was under attack by anti-religious groups in America and abroad. Red paint is smeared on our white sanctuary.

April 20, 1947

• Divine Liturgy in English is completed and published by St. Mary’s Parent-Teachers Council (PTC).

you get the idea? probably not. family church turns a century this year, and my mom’s on the committee compiling historical documents for the anniversary. I’m glad she sends me this stuff.

the evening in horrible movies

I’m watching “Red Sonja.” it’s pretty awful, but for as awful as I was forewarned that it was going to be, I think it could be worse. I’m convinced that a lot of movies could be greatly improved upon should you just cut the audio out and add your own. I would suggest what’s below, and set it to the scene where Schwarzenegger, Brigitte Nielsen and the heavyset comic relief are raiding the evil queen’s castle in search of “the taslisman” … for what end, I don’t know, because I haven’t been listening to the dialouge. but this soundtrack would definitely take the edge off of a harsh film:

yes.
there was some severe weather today. and bookending a successful attempt at vegetarian lasagna, I got caught in the rain twice. both times totally unnecesarily. but that’s okay. I got my run in. and getting pneumonia builds character.

You can blame the Republicans for lacking empathy or policy sense, but they had a transparent process. HR 1 was published long ago, and anybody with a little policy experience — a reporter, say — could have detailed the likely results. But we never had the real debate — just a bunch of horse-race reporting between two sides that wanted to cut different amounts. And the end result will be substantially different policy in more areas than I can even know about now.

Mike: yeah, you see that at the state level a lot
it’s something that pisses me off quite a bit whenever we have the “unemployment fund” debate
me: the unemployed are lazy, smith
end the welfare state
Mike: at the national level too.  Like when we put some sort of arbitrary cap on the amount of time you can get unemployment benefits, 99 weeks with the federal extension, etc.
yeah, totally
me: yeah. if you havent found a job by then? tough shit
we’re not helping you look for a new one, neither!
hit the curb, rummy!
Mike: Whenever I talk to my conservative patriots, I always ask them, well, you spend all this time and effort in putting safe gaurds in the system to prove that the people who are using the system actually need it, you’ve made them prove that they are looking for jobs, they have to fill out and submit vouchers, they have to prove that they’re complying with all the stated regs, by meeting with a caseworker (that is of course until you tried to nix caseworkers), but now, even after you make them prove that, yes, I am looking for work but I have not been able to find anything in this fucking horrible economy so I’m still looking; yeah, even if they prove that, you’re still going to say, well buddy, sorry, I know you’ve done everything we’ve asked of you, but you just his this magic number, and shucks, we’re all fresh out of empathy… so, good luck, vote republican and go fuck yourself.
me: HA
Mike: I understand that sometimes you have to cut people off to stave off a dependent mindset, but it’s dumb to have that fight in a recession recovery with high unemployment.  Actually, it’s fucking ridiculous is what it is.  When the unemployment level drops, and jobs are more plentiful, I’ll be much more sympathetic to the arguments that the unemployed could find a job if they really wanted to.  For some, that maybe be the case, but the argument doesn’t hold any water when we’ve got 5-1 applicant to job ratio.
me: but
but the welfare state
Mike: I know
it keeps me up at night.
I get nightmares, Matt.  Real nightmares.  I wake up in a cold sweat with haunting images still floating in my brain of liberal deadbeats sucking off the Statute of Liberty’s tit… Always sucking, never satisfied, until she dries up and withers away… like the French.
me:  you’ve seen this too?
i thought it was only me
Mike: Thank god.
I’m not alone.
I tell ya, it takes 3 beers, a shot of Jim Beam and 30 minutes of domestic abuse with the wife and kids before I’m able to get some sleep.

I took a break from the blog. these things happen.

but here we are, back in Washington, where it’s growing warmer outside once again. there’s cherry blossoms and the like. and I am lucky enough to witness one of the dumbest things mine eyes have ever gazed upon, no small feat considering the many dumb things I’ve seen: a federal shutdown.
I don’t really know what the hell is going on. there was this war something, in what, in Libya? something about unions? another civil war-esque conflict in the west Africa. I read a headline that said Portugal’s economy had to get floated by the EU … but fuck it. the mighty Democrat and the brave Republican have met on the field of battle in a nicely lit room on Capitol Hill to get a whole lot of nothing done on passing a budget.
for anyone who really hasn’t been paying attention to this — and if you haven’t you must’ve been trying pretty hard — keep in mind that they’re arguing over funding that’s limited to (I’m pretty sure, at least) non-defense discretionary spending in the 2011 budget. and that’s even though they’re halfway through the 2011 fiscal year. congress never managed to pass a 2011 budget, so as soon as they’re done with this horseshit, they have to deal with the next budget proposal. and if this is the way that budget negotations are going to go in a congressional class full of intellectual dimwits who ran on one promise — cut spending without compromise — nothing’s going to ever get done.

I remember an episode of “The West Wing” – a show that I have grown to hate over the years – where there’s a budget impasse, and mean ol’ Republican speaker of the house shows up at the White House and tries to piss in Martin Sheen’s eye, in a retelling of the shutdown of 1995 starring Clinton and Gingrich.

for years, this piece of popular television informed my opinion of the political events of 1995 as much as anything else. because I was 12 in 1995, and the highlight of it was easily Neil Evans’ birthday party, because somebody rented “Psycho Cop 2″ from either Take One Video or the Wiseway on US 30, and we all stayed up late and ate pizza. it’s not like I was paying attention to whatever the hell the Contract With America was. I would have been a grotesque little son of a bitch had I been.

you can see where my tastes lie by my selection of video; in the battle between awful horror movie and pandering television show … the horror movie has a lot of boob scenes, so it’s not really a battle at all.
but I digress. reality is much different. the government will close shop in … 23 hours and 50 minutes now. the fact that the market will shudder and couple hundred thousand workers are going to get  furloughed until that shit gets figured out can’t be lost on congress. that some poor bastard out there, somewhere, will get laid off because of this, in some way, shape or form. congress has to understand that they’re going to collectively take it to the balls come election time if they don’t break this impasse. 
but will they? fuck if I know. I still got to go to work Monday, one way or the other. I imagine the paper is going to be interesting this weekend.

Tim Pawlenty, one of the rubes who wants the Republicans to nominate him for the presidency, thinks Obama needs to bring the goddamn hammer down on Syria. he draws on his extensive foreign policy experience as the former governor of Minnesota to make his case:

In an interview with conservative radio host Hugh Hewitt shortly before the president defended the U.S. military involvement in Libya, Mr. Pawlenty said Mr. Obama should withdraw the U.S. ambassador from Syria, express solidarity with the protestors there and impose sanctions, “both economic and otherwise,” against the country and its leader.

right on, man!
is this how it normally is? I have a short memory. do primary candidates from the opposition party gin up their foreign policy positions based on whatever it is the sitting president is doing? you probably read this somewhere — or, thanks to the wonders of a 24-hour news cycle,  saw it flashing across the inside of your eyelids as you entered REM sleep — but Newt Gingrich first criticized the Obama administration for not enacting a no-fly zone over Libya. then when the administration did, he criticized the intervention.
what the fuck? doesn’t this asshole have handlers who are supposed to parse over his public speeches for massive inconsistencies? I hardly expect a presidential candidate to be candid, or intelligent, but at least we can expect them to stay on message. Sarah Palin, for instance, has been a three-year, national celebration in uniform stupidity. she might be dumb as a post, but you have to nod in respect to her consistency.
and speaking of Palin, she just toured India and Israel, presumably to beef up her own foreign policy credentials. you may recall that they need some work.

god, I love that video. these next eighteen months are going to rule.

I missed “The McLaughlin Group” this Sunday. but what is already dead can never die, and I will catch it next week.

here’s the genius-level insight of the weekend:
if you’re gonna plaster your car with bumper stickers, it’s best not to drive like an asshole. I’m looking at you, lady in the Jetta with Va. tags that wants everybody to know that “We Vote Pro-Life.” because of your shoddy driving on Slater Lane in Alexandria, I’m going to assume that every anti-abortion activist in the DC area doesn’t understand turn signals, and I’ll let that assumption color my opinion of the pro-life movement accordingly.
see? do you see how that works? that’s politics in America, folks. go ahead and pretend you haven’t done the same.

Mike made it back. a success! this calls for a celebration: